


Fanboy

by eroica_erotica



Series: Horny humans series [1]
Category: Kung Fu Panda (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, M/M, Masturbation, Po/everyone - Freeform, Unrequited Crush, Voyeurism, based off of art by scandalous_smut on twitter, he just has a hero crush on them lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:08:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27798988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eroica_erotica/pseuds/eroica_erotica
Summary: The boys go bathing and Po finds it hard to keep himself in check.
Relationships: Crane/Po (Kung Fu Panda), Mantis/Po, Monkey/Po (Kung Fu Panda)
Series: Horny humans series [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2077824
Comments: 10
Kudos: 19





	Fanboy

**Author's Note:**

> Human because I can't get into furry shit for the life of me and also the anatomy is easier to write.  
> Based off of the fan art from scandalous_smut on Twitter. I'd reccomend checking it out! Way hotter and adorable!  
> I haven't properly given them names yet! Let's just say that in this human universe (where it's still Ancient China) they're known by their kung fu styles. And also I explain this in the fic because I can't help but input my own lore haha.

_ Oh please no…  _

"Why is this happening now?!"

Po's voice raised to a high whine as he looked down at his predicament. 

It was, quite possibly, the worst situation he could find himself in. Terribly embarrassing, highly humiliating, positively mortifying and  _ wildly _ dehumanising.  _ This has to be a nightmare,  _ he tried to reason with himself. At one point he'd surely wake up and be in the privacy of his bed, right? And then the situation would become a very normal one, something he was so accustomed to by now. 

"No!  _ No _ ! Ahh  _ please… _ " He pleaded desperately, not wanting to admit the reality he was facing. 

Why was this happening to him? Were the gods against him? Did he commit a terrible crime in his past life? If so, Po wanted to know exactly  _ what  _ warranted this hellish punishment and which motherfucker decided it would be a good idea. Then he'd find the guy and break his kneecaps. 

"Come on buddy!" His voice remained high and distressed, yet hushed enough so they couldn't hear him. "Go down! Please go down!" 

The pleading did nothing. Po was almost sure it (if it were even possible) did the  _ opposite _ . He sighed heavily. 

There was no way in hell his erection was going down. 

It was stubborn as a sailing mast, stiff and tall and impossible to hide. 

Not to mention he was practically naked. 

_ That  _ was certainly a contributing factor. 

Their towels had kept almost nothing to the imagination. Simply going around their waists for the sake of traditional modesty. The towels only stayed on during the walk over to the baths, as they hopped across the cobblestones with bare feet. Then the wretched things were whipped off with not a shred of shame and Po was ready to combust then and there. 

All he could do was make a pathetic excuse to leave. "Uh, you guys go on without me." He said hurriedly, clutching at his own towel as it would hide him. "I - I gotta go get something -" He gestured back towards the barracks with his head, too scared to remove his hands. 

Mantis didn't look back at him, already jumping into the water with a splash. "Sure thing Po!"

Monkey followed straight after him, eager to get in. 

Though Crane, having unwrapped his towel already, held it over himself out of modesty to look at Po curiously. "Do you want me to come with you?" He offered.

"NO!" Po's instant yelp caused Mantis and Monkey to turn around alarmed. "I - I mean - I'll be fine, it's only a short walk back." He forced a nervous chuckle, trying not to stare at his bare torso and started to step away. 

Crane shrugged. "Alright, if you say so." And removed his towel, folding it neatly and placing it on the top of one of the large rocks surrounding the bath. 

Po forced himself to avert his eyes, anything to not make the situation worse than it already was. But it was so hard when they were all incredibly attractive. It was the gods, he thought bitterly, the gods favoured them immensely while simultaneously serving to curse him with the most unfortunate crushes known to man. 

Trying not to stare at them any longer, he scurried away as fast as he hoped looked normal. Hiding an erection was no easy feat, and running with one was a feeling he never wanted again. The towel rubbed against him as he ran, and Po gritted his teeth at the sensation. 

The last thing he wanted to do was wait it out. He was so turned on there was no way he’d go back to normal. 

Finally gaining some sort of privacy behind far off in the greenery, he crouched, watching them from afar. Though he was flooded with shame, he had a pretty good excuse.

Mantis, Monkey and Crane were undoubtedly the most attractive men Po had ever met. They looked so different yet all held the same power over him. Before he properly met them, and only saw glimpses of them out his window or in the throes of a crowd, they were his masturbation material. He was embarrassed and ashamed to admit it, but Po always had a crush on them.  _ All  _ of them if he was being honest with himself. If they came back from a heroic mission or just walked through the village, he’d have vivid dreams then wake up with sticky bed sheets and one of their names on his lips. 

And that was the craziest thing. He still didn’t know their dreaded names. At first, Po wanted to riot at the secrecy of it. He was a kung fu master was he not? Surely he’d be entitled to learn their names rather than be rendered as some mere member of the public again. But he soon found out from Viper that they didn’t even know each  _ other’s _ names. It was forbidden or something, or maybe they just chose to be cryptically secretive about it. Admittedly that only served to turn him on more. 

Adding an element of mystery to them channeled his curiosity into exactly who the Furious Five were. They were kung fu masters, they lived in the Jade Palace, they were hot. So hot. Po groaned softly, closing his eyes and letting himself fall back into the bliss he usually reserved for the dead of night. His hand wandered down, where he needed it most. 

He gripped himself firmly, sighing in relief upon contact. With all his senses heightened, just a single stroke was enough to make him weak at the knees. He brushed his thumb over th tip,hissing at the sensitivity of it. Looking past the bamboo and rocks he was hiding behind, he could see Crane washing his hair carefully while Mantis and Monkey joked around, showing off what they could do in the water. It wasn’t a great view of them, and Po severely wished he was closer. But it would have to do, and at least they couldn’t see him this far away. 

There’d been times when Po sat alone at night, only one lit candle on the windowsill of his room above the noodle shop, when silence permeated the village. It was usually from a bout of short insomnia during the times sleep didn’t want to take him, causing a very long, very philosophical inner-monologue from him. The monologue usually consisted of thoughts on the Five. Such as what they were doing, what their names were, who was the most attractive to him, and whether those rumours were true about the various relationships between them.

The rumours was a subject Po hadn’t approached with any of them. Even after a while of being the Dragon Warrior he didn’t yet have the courage to say anything over the controversialities concerning sexual acts between them. He wasn’t sure if even  _ they  _ knew they were the subject of rumours. It was all very hush hush if he had to be honest, the controversy of it being a little too much for the simple gossip of the village. It had all started when someone said they saw two of the masters rather close together deep in one of the forests. (The exact words used were “disgraceful nestling”, which Po had to roll his eyes at). Eventually the gossip was talked over, but not before Po could catch the snippets of muttered conversation spoken by a few blushing girls that the two caught together were Mantis and Monkey.

Of course, that didn’t help the crush he’d been harbouring. 

After finding out that information his horniness was raised so high he could barely concentrate while he worked in the noodle shop. Accidental erections were common for him while he sat in his room and fantasised. Thinking about such attractive people (who were kung fu masters! How could anyone top that?) involved in the wretched rumours, the rumours Po liked to pretend were true. The night he found Mantis and Monkey were the ones caught was a night he didn’t sleep. It was also the most he could ever remember coming. The stickiness and sexual exhaustion the next morning was worth it, gross as it was he didn’t regret a moment. 

While he usually felt crippling guilt after masturbating to his crushes, that time was shameless. His horny justification was that if Monkey and Mantis were caught in their compromising position Po had always fantasised about, then was it really a bad thing to indulge in that fantasy?

He grunted as a small wave of pleasure came over him. He was not yet over the edge, just a bit more to go. “Caught in the act.” He hissed out, struggling to regulate his breathing.

And after becoming the Dragon Warrior and living with them his suspicions remained the same. The duo spent almost every waking moment together, often alone. He shuddered and jerked as he added a flick of his wrist to his rhythmic strokes. He wondered if Crane knew. He always seemed to give them space when their jokes became little secretive giggles, as if leaving them to their own devices. 

Rumours surrounded Crane too, but they were incredibly vague. Po was sure they weren’t even true, he seemed too innocent for half the stuff people came up with. But on the other hand, Crane kept silent on the subject of rumours, relationships and sex. He was a private person, keeping his hat low over his eyes most of the time and simply wearing a wry smile. 

“Why are you so hot?” He muttered to himself, eyes focused on Crane sitting on the side of the rocks delicately.

_ Why  _ did that have to make him so hot? 

Po groaned much louder, stroking himself feverishly, leaning against the rock to stop his shaking legs from collapsing underneath him. Mantis, Monkey and Crane were still in the baths, close enough where he could get a good view of them. He raked his eyes over them hungrily, ignoring the guilt starting to come early. He’d never really got a chance to see them naked, of course, Monkey regularly went shirtless (something that made him stare for  _ far  _ too long whenever he walked through the village), but Crane and Mantis were more conservative in clothing, pertaining to the strict preferences of some of the older villagers. Taking them in properly while he could, his eyes strained to see all he wanted to. A low whine escaped him as Monkey stood up suddenly, proudly showing off his cock while Mantis cheered and Crane rolled his eyes. 

“Please  _ ah -”  _

Po sincerely wished he could get closer to hear their conversation. Mantis could be unnecessarily raunchy at times. Cracking jokes that made Po blush and Crane pull his hat down. Monkey of course found them hilarious, and sometimes made jokes of his own that Crane could withstand with a small smile. Po would still go red and quickly leave the room as fast as possible for fear of getting a stupid accidental erection. 

He often wondered if they noticed his attraction. Po thought, in his opinion, that he hid it pretty well. Never staring for too long (when they couldn’t see him anyway), never spying on them (except now of course), never being rendered absolutely speechless whenever they dressed up for events (there was no way of them hearing his dry mouth). He was delightfully subtle. 

Sexual fantasies swam to the forefront of his mind as his brain (or cock, more like) had decided that _thinking_ over how attractive they were was simply not doing enough. Divulging himself, he wandered back to his favourite fantasy. Closing his eyes he pictured what those villagers said they caught Mantis and Monkey doing. It was so dishonourable and dirty, a blowjob in the bamboo forest. Rumour had it that it was Mantis on his knees, and Po stroked himself faster. He wondered how often they did that, maybe in the dark of the night? In each other’s rooms when no one was awake? Po was almost certain one night he’d heard muffled moans and giggles. But maybe that had come from someone female… He jerked suddenly as he realised he was close. Now was not the time to fantasise over Tigress or Viper, he had three beautifully naked men in front of him, he had to take the opportunity. 

He pushed his other sexual imaginings of the girls to the side and focused. Something that always inexplicably turned Po on was that Crane was unexpectedly flexible. He didn’t look flexible, what with his skinny limbs and stiff posture, but seeing him in the training hall made Po stop and stare. Behind his eyelids, all he could see was Crane sweating and panting from exertion after a day of training. Once Po saw him take his robe off, leaving him only in shorts. Crane didn’t notice him there, standing alone in the hall with his back turned, sharp shoulder blades moving subtly as he packed away. 

Suddenly, all the tension in his body released with a  _ snap  _ and he came all down his thighs, dripping slowly to the ground. 

Panting, sweating, sticky and exhausted, Po allowed himself a grin before the guilt kicked in. At least he got rid of the erection. 

* * *

Crane sat down in the shallow part of the water, wading softly to keep his head afloat. He was finally allowed some peace and relaxation. He revelled in blocking the other two out. Their constant flirting could get so irritating.  _ Not  _ because, like they insisted, he was jealous. He turned down their offer of a threesome for heaven’s sake. They were just simply too loud with their inside jokes sometimes. Often exposing him to things he wholeheartedly had no desire to know. 

A splash broke his reverie and Crane sighed deeply. It was Mantis, too busy trying to actually swim even though there wasn’t enough water for that. This was meant to be a relaxing time! Why couldn’t they stay still for once? Crane wanted to splash him back, but instead aimed his attack towards Monkey, who was taking an infuriatingly long time with washing his hair with the rice water. Which was ridiculous considering his short crop of hair. With a long braid he’d taken loose for their bath, Crane felt should get to wash his hair first, but Monkey was always far too quick for him. 

“Don’t you think Po’s taken a while?” Mantis wondered allowed, making his way over to Crane.

Po  _ had  _ been gone for quite a while. So much for it being a short walk back. If Crane didn’t know any better he’d say Po took a few laps up and down the Thousand steps.

“Mmm well, he’s probably just taking care of something.” Crane said cooly. 

Mantis raised a suggestive eyebrow. “Something?” He said slowly.

Looking over to them Monkey grinned. “Tell me you mean the something we discussed earlier?” 

Crane bit his lip, thinking of the tell-tale bulge he saw before Po scurried off. “Oh most definitely.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Side note that rice water was used as shampoo in ancient china, I googled it ;) 
> 
> This is my first smut piece I've actually posted and I really hope it's not too obvious. I think I shied away from some parts but whatever, practice makes perfect. 
> 
> I will be posting more smut on this account because there's no smut in this fandom (apart from the art hehe).
> 
> Let me know what you think!


End file.
